How to Be a Happier Person
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Happiness has become a very popular topic in recent years. It’s the subject of best-selling books, TED Talks, and even a popular course at Yale. Most of us want to find happiness; however, we find ourselves feeling dissatisfied or restless instead. We’re constantly searching for the answer - the one thing that will finally make us happy.
The truth is, most of us are seeking happiness in ways that don’t actually work. We unconsciously fall into common patterns that keep us feeling unfulfilled. But there’s good news: there is a path that can lead to lasting happiness. By shifting how we think about life, we can cultivate a deeper and more sustainable sense of joy and learn how to be happy with ourselves.
Three Common Patterns That Keep Us Unhappy
1. Wanting and the endless pursuit of more
Society teaches us that happiness is something we need to attain. We believe that once we reach a certain goal, purchase a specific item, or achieve a level of success, we will finally feel fulfilled.
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This perceived gap between where we are and where we want to be is incredibly powerful. It’s the foundation of marketing. Companies highlight what we lack so they can sell us something to fill the void. But this same gap is also the root of our dissatisfaction. We long for what we don’t have and we convince ourselves that our next purchase, promotion, or Instagram-worthy vacation will bring lasting joy.
For a brief moment, we may find pleasure. We experience a temporary high when we achieve what we want, but soon after, we return to our baseline level of happiness. The cycle then repeats itself. As soon as one desire is fulfilled, another takes its place.
This endless pursuit of more leaves us exhausted and frustrated. Happiness always seems just out of reach. Instead of feeling fulfilled, we are left wondering why nothing ever feels like enough. For overachievers and perfectionists, this cycle can be especially relentless, because no matter how much we accomplish, the finish line keeps moving.
2. Judging and fighting against what is
Have you ever noticed your internal monologue? Often, without realizing it, we sabotage our own happiness through constant judgment and resistance. We critique and fight against aspects of our lives, creating a cycle of negativity that keeps us constantly dissatisfied.
From the moment we wake up, we judge our circumstances Our alarm goes off and we think, “Ugh. It’s too early. I don’t want to go to work.”
As we go through the day, we judge others. Maybe you’ve caught yourself wondering, “Why is that person so slow?” or “Why can’t they do their job properly?” Most damaging of all, we judge ourselves. We might think, “I’m not good enough.” Or maybe we find ourselves wondering, “Why can’t I get this right?”
This habit of resistance and judgement makes it impossible to feel content. When we constantly fight against what is, we create unnecessary stress and frustration. Instead of accepting life as it unfolds, we waste our energy wishing things were different.
3. Distraction
When life feels overwhelming, boring, or uncomfortable, our instinct is often to mentally check-out. Instead of engaging with what’s happening around us, we escape into distractions like scrolling through social media, binge-watching TV, or drowning ourselves in work. We may even try to numb ourselves through food, alcohol, or other habits in order to temporarily dull discomfort. We may get a momentary sense relief when we do this, but it can never bring lasting happiness.
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True happiness cannot exist when we are disconnected from the present moment. When we zone out, we miss opportunities for beauty and joy that available to us right now, like having a conversation with a loved one, feeling the warmth of the sun on our skin, or enjoying the taste of a delicious meal. Over time, life begins to feel dull and empty, as if we’re merely existing rather than truly living.
Another way we sometimes disengage with the current moment is by getting caught up in our thoughts. When we dwell on past mistakes or anxiously worry about what might go wrong in the future, we are not in the present moment. Instead of experiencing life, we might be stuck in the past, reliving past regrets, wondering what we could have done differently. Or we may be trying to live in the future, worrying about things that may never happen. Either way, it can make it feel as if life is passing us by and leave us feeling unfulfilled. We miss opportunities for real connection and joy.
If wanting, judgment, and zoning out don’t bring happiness, what does?
The key to lasting happiness is mindfulness.
According to a study of 127 women published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, individuals with higher mindfulness also had higher levels of happiness and lower anxiety and depression symptoms. Mindfulness was also linked to an increased sense of purpose in life.
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Mindfulness is the practice of fully experiencing the present moment without judgment. When we are mindful, we don’t wish that things were another way. We aren’t distracted by our thoughts. We are simply present. This allows us to truly see our lives with fresh eyes, noticing details we would normally overlook. We may notice the way sunlight filters through the trees or the subtle flavors in a meal. By paying attention to what is happening right now, we open ourselves up to a richer, more meaningful experience of life.
Mindfulness also frees us from the exhausting cycles of wanting, resisting, and distracting ourselves. Instead of constantly striving for the next big thing, we learn to appreciate what is already here. Instead of resisting reality, we learn to accept it as it is. Instead of numbing ourselves with distractions, we engage with the present, and find joy in the simple and ordinary. Through mindfulness, we shift from a mindset of lack and dissatisfaction to one of gratitude and contentment.
When we embrace mindfulness, happiness is no longer a distant goal we must chase. Happiness is a natural result of being present. We don’t have to seek joy outside of ourselves because we realize it has been within us all along. Happiness is not something that we’ll find in an idealized future or a perfected version of our lives. By practicing mindfulness, we create space for genuine joy, peace, and fulfillment.
You don’t need to look for happiness.
I think one of my favorite quotes by Alfred D. Souza, perfectly illustrates this mindset shift. It says:
“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”
Happiness isn’t found in chasing the next achievement, resisting reality, or escaping the present. If we shift how we engage with life, we may find peace through mindfulness and meditation. By becoming more present, we allow ourselves to experience our lives in a deeper more fulfilling way. When we engage with the present moment as it is, rather than wishing for something else, or distracting ourselves, we become aware of the beauty that is already in our lives.
True happiness isn’t something you’ll find by looking outside yourself. It’s not something you need to attain. It’s already here, just waiting for us to notice it.
How do we practice mindfulness?
Mindfulness doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a skill that requires practice. One of the best ways to cultivate mindfulness is through meditation. Meditation rewires the brain, making it easier to stay mindful and engaged in daily life. If you’re looking to begin meditating, consider trying a guided meditation. Even just a few minutes of meditation each day can make a significant difference.
You can also practice mindfulness throughout the day, outside of a formal meditation practice. For example, make a conscious effort to be present while you sip your morning coffee. Breathe in the aroma of the fresh brew. Feel the warmth of the cup against your hand. Savor the flavor of the coffee on your tongue.
If you find it hard to remember to be mindful, you can also try setting reminders on your phone. When the reminder goes off, take a few minutes to check-in with yourself. Close your eyes and just be, without any agenda or judgment. Feel your body and your breath. Notice what you are feeling in the moment.
By consistently practicing, you can incorporate a greater sense of awareness and mindfulness into your daily life. Just begin with small steps. Try one of these mindfulness techniques this week and let me know what you notice.
This article is for informational purposes only. This article is not, nor is it intended to be, a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment and should never be relied upon for specific medical advice.